Sin Zapato

Not today

Well, Kids,

I made the grave mistake of jumping on my screen last night before bed. I might have grabbed the book instead. Or the journal. But I went into Threads. Then Bluesky. And before I knew it, it was 3 a.m., my eyes were burning and my left leg would simply not..stop…moving.

I got maybe four hours of restless sleep throughout the night.

Still, after morning clients and an afternoon meal, I did it again.

Because the files.

Because Cuba.

Because the warehouses.

Because somewhere in the middle of all this, there has to be a sign, a word, a story of Hope.

I don’t know what to say.

But if there is a lesson, a learning, it may be that I have to pause all of it, not just Facebook. So yeah, this is me, taking a moment to delete the Threads and Bluesky apps from my gadget, in three…two…one.

Done.

Now what do I do?

I don’t know. But for now, finish this post. Take in the evening air in my courtyard. Hit the shower. Lend a hand in the kitchen, currently commandeered by my Madre, who is banging away at the calderos and saltenes as she prepares costillitas de Puerco and rice for dinner.

I am reminded that years ago, my cigarette-quitting success was made possible by two words:

Not today.

I didn’t plan on quitting back then. It was a decision born in one of those pivotal moments, where you hear the words that someone else you love is sick, and you’re done. Call it honor. Call it heartbreak. Call it fear. It was all of that, honestly. But I didn’t examine it too deeply. I simply didn’t buy the next pack.

I’m as stubborn as stubborn gets, so sticking with a thing is my way. Still, those first days and weeks were unexpectedly, almost ridiculously hard. I bumped into walls. I’d shower and forget whether I’d washed my hair. I was irritable, flaky, and full of contempt, telling God, “If I go through this shit and then get hit by a bus, we’re gonna have a WORD.”

Thankfully, only a few days in I had a small but potent epiphany. I noticed that a part of the anxiety was the thought of Never and Forever. So I learned to walk by the lobby’s newsstand, drive by the local 7-Eleven, or reject the friendly offer with a simple, “Not today.”

I fell in love with those nonjudgemental, undramatic words. They not only kept me movin’, but gave me an easy out with others. “Not today” did not invite questions fanfare or any of that yaddayadda from the words “I quit.” It was magic, really.

And you know what? It worked.

Three decades later, I’m still done. I may miss the ritual forever. Absolutely no breathing exercises, walk, or meditation replaces the in and out of a drag after a meal. But it’s no longer a longing and I’m glad for it. (And I still may pick it back up in my 80s.)

In the meantime, maybe tonight, as I reach for the gadget before bedtime, I can tell myself, without judgement or drama or yaddayadda, “not today,” and get myself some sleep.

Onward and upward.

S